Right now.

Have you ever held onto someone and feel like you’re sharing A heartbeat? Like your whole heart is just beating loudly outside of your own body and you feel this crazy connection? Like it feels so good and you want to hold on to them forever and ever and never let go?

When life gets so busy and I actually have a moment to sit there and let my body, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel, and hug my babies, my heart tells me that it’s time to take it easy and live In the moment. To not plan everyday, every weekend of my life ,and just be still and take in the moments shared with my little ones and of course, my husband. Because, LIFE GOES BY SO FAST WHEN YOU ARE BUSY.

I am almost done with my maternity leave and it feels like it’s speeding up to the end. I don’t know when I’ll ever have this break again with both kids at home needing me. I’m trying to soak every day up like a sponge and make it all about us. I want to squeeze in as many hugs and kisses as each hour passes by. Document every little detail so I never forget the little moments. As you can guess, I’ve been very emotional after this pregnancy and also learned a lot about myself with everything that’s going on. And still learning. Having one child changes you, but with two everything you thought you knew about yourself changes completely.

Husband and I do a lot of reflecting. Ever since Gemma was born, we reflect at night on what we can do differently in certain situations. Like how and what we can do better as parents.

How we go about our actions and reactions to certain scenarios. We were figuring it out together and we thought we almost had it down.

So when Ruby arrived, it was definitely a wild ride. Everything we thought we knew went out the window and we had to figure it out again. How to be parents of two. My patience, my time, my attitude, my relationship all been tested. I went through a phase of crying during the day, crying at night, googling how to manage a newborn and a toddler, googling why I’m so emotional, googling how to stay positive when you’re stressed, reflecting on my actions and reactions, reflecting on my words, reflecting on my relationship with my toddler, relationship with my husband, and with myself. I’ve always been good at expressing my feelings but really bad at describing how I feel. Does that even make sense?! I can express the emotions, I can cry, yell, scream, laugh but to explain why I feel that way has always been hard because my words can never really match up with how my heart feels.

It was all about finding the balance. The balance to take care of my baby, take care of my toddler, take care of my husband, and to take care of myself in order to take care of all of them. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel what I felt, it’s okay to break down and cry sometimes, it’s okay to want a little space to figure it out, and it’s okay to be entitled to my own emotions. I am only human and I’m doing the best I can, to be the best I can be to take care of my family.

So as of right now, in this moment, my heart feels so full like it’s so full of love it’s about to explode. Thinking about how much my husband loves me and how amazing of a father he is. Thinking about how sweet Gemma is towards her sister, how adorable it is to see Ruby’s face light up when Gemma greets her. I am so in love with the fact that I have two amazing little humans who depend on me and love me unconditionally and need me. The amount of love that I feel for them is completely beyond anything I’ve ever felt. They are my world, and being a mom is the best and greatest gift God/Buddha/universe has given Me. I just want to live in this moment and hold them super close because every day they grow a day older and everyday goes by a little faster.

It feels so good to feel everything I’m feeling right now & in this moment.

So note to self: always live in the moment and take one day at a time.

Right now.

1 to 2 kids.

Dang I’ve been absent for about 6 months and oh boy,  how things have changed.

First, I had a sweet little baby girl named Ruby on May 2nd. A strong little peanut weighing in at 6lbs 2oz. I remember right when the nurse put her on my chest and she heard my voice her cries instantly stopped. She was also lifting her head off my chests to look up, shocking Fanyan and I at how strong she was already. I never knew how much more love I had within me to love another little human being so unconditionally and whole heartedly until she came into this world.

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Gemma has been the sweetest, she loves her baby sister. I sometimes catch her on the baby monitor giving baby sis kisses on the forehead. Although sweet, she has been a little needier and naughtier than normal to seek our attention but I think she’s trying to adjust without compromising her love for her sister.

Mom life: when people tell you transitioning from 1 to 2  kids is 10x harder, Believe them. It is hard. I had trouble nursing with Gemma and this time around with Ruby. With Gemma I exclusively pumped for 4 months. I felt like super woman, no sleep during the night but I slept whenever she slept during the day. I’m trying that again with Ruby. But it’s taking a huge toll on me this time around.  Mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel completely defeated. Drained. An emotional wreck waiting to expload. Ruby has been so chill, but the cycle of no sleep, waking, feeding, diapers, pumping, watching Gemma has left me feeling so drained. I have been so moody, emotional, weepy, and it’s just not fair to Gemma or Ruby. I feel myself being snappy at Gemma and then apologizing. Over and over and over and it’s just not who I am. I feel like a failure. I know I’m a great mother, and will do anything for my kids. And for that, I feel like my exclusively pumping days are coming to a near end. I need some sanity. And honestly, I feel like pumping non stop on the clock is making me depressed. I praise the women who can do this with multiple kids but for me, being 100% with my children is more important. I know Ruby will grow and be healthy. It’s unfair to think I lasted 4 months with Gemma and only a month for Ruby but to be a better mom, This is what I’m going to do.

I had these great expectations of maybe this time around I’d be able to nurse Ruby like other people are able to nurse their kids, but in reality… it just didn’t work out for us. I gave it my best and I know no matter what she’ll still grow up strong and healthy.

1 to 2 kids.

oh motherhood.

Being a mom is amazing, its great, its wonderful, and its hard. Its amazing to watch them grow into their own little selves with big giant personalities, and its great to see how they apply what you teach them into their daily lives. Its wonderful to see their little eyes sparkle when they accomplish something big on their own. The hard part about parenting is parenting. Its a constant array of trial and error, a constant learning process of what to do and what not to do, a constant reflection of what you can do to improve yourself as a parent.  I am always thriving to be a great mom, always trying to do whats best for my daughter, in hopes that one day she will grow up to be a kind, strong, independent, brave, smart, courageous girl with compassion and empathy and lots of love for the world. To nurture her into a wonderful human.

Then you try your best as a mom and sometimes you just feel like you’re being judged for everything you do. Moms get judged the most. Growing up I’m sure a lot of people have heard this saying “didn’t your mom ever teach you ….”. Its always about the mom. There’s so much stigma about what type of mom you are. The young mom, the old mom, the stay at home mom, the full time working mom, the single mom, the naughty kid’s mom, the mom who wants to enjoy herself even while being a mom. So Many Stigmas. Many women feel the pressure to live up to being the perfect mom that they start to completely lose who they are and feel the need to live up to a certain standard.

My struggle has always been in finding balance. I think being one of the few girlfriends with kids, I struggle a lot with balancing who I am now with who I use to be, and the part of me that’s been a little lost for a while. Like am I suppose to dress a certain way now being 30 with kids? What are my hobbies? What is my passion? What are my goals? What do I like to do on my own free time? Where do I see myself in 5 years. etc etc etc.  I can’t grasp what it is yet but one day that little lost spot of “me” will be filled. For now all I know is that I am trying to be the best mom that I can be and to give all the love I have within me to this little person that calls me mom while nervously and patiently waiting for the next chapter of our lives to begin in May.

xo.
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oh motherhood.